Epic lunch was epic!
Today I experienced this. And now you can. Before you read, let me explain:
- This is a transcript of the actual event taken from my Twitter feed, which was going live at the time.
- All the tweets are from my account.
- The parts [that look like this] are bits I've added to explain what was happening or what I was thinking.
- I do not condone statutory rape or paedophilia.
- I apologise for any spelling mistakes.
- It was hilarious.
11:57 Hello parsley my old friend. Why oh why oh why are you here? Why did I even come to this place? Ugh!
[Everything they bring out is covered in chopped parsley like it's 1982. I'm not saying where I am because we use this place a lot.]
12:04 It's all kicking off. Granny won't pay for dinner unless granddaughter's immigrant boyfriend leaves. Granddaughter looks 16. BF looks 30!
[They'd already eaten so I'm not sure why she didn't refuse him a place at the start!]
12:07 Granddaughter is bawling and calling granny a witch. Boyfriend is silent in the corner.
12:10 "Bernice you're fourteen! How old is he? Forty? Fifty?" yelled granny. "He's 30!" yells granddaughter. "I'm 38," says boyfriend.
Eeek!
[Eeew! I think Granny knew he was younger than forty or fifty but was trying to sneak in a sly insult. And thanks to Dodgeball I will forever laugh at the name Bernice. My Aunt Bernice is thrilled.]
12:10 He should have stayed quiet.
12:10 This is better than Fair City! Mind you, aren't most things?
12:13 "And he's Polish, Bernice! Polish!" she said. "So?" asks granddaughter. "Look at what happened to your auntie Karen!"
Racist granny!
12:13 But more to the point. I now have to know what happened to auntie Karen. When is it appropriate to ask?
12:16 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The boyfriend, although a dirty pedo, is actually awesome. "Come, let's go." "What about the bill?" "We run faster than her!"
12:18 OH. MY. GOD. Granddaughter is pregnant!
[Colour everyone shocked. One old dear actually gasped. If I'm honest I don't believe she's pregnant.]
12:20 Granny is in tears. I'm feeling sorry for her now.
12:21 Granny looks like a real well-to-do lady but screamed "SHE'S FOURTEEN YOU PIG!" in the immigrant's face.
12:21 I love granny.
12:22 I think NOW is the time to ask about auntie Karen.
12:22 Oooooh boyfriend didn't know she was preggers!
12:23 Someone bring me popcorn and a large Pepsi Max. This is too exciting to leave!
12:25 BOYFRIEND IS MARRIED!
12:26 Girlfriend didn't know boyfriend is married. Granny is sobbing. Staff being lovely.
12:28 "I promise to look after you!" he said. "YOU WON'T TOUCH HER!" yells granny. "It's not yours anyway!" says girl. Granny in shock!
12:29 I think the girlfriend is lying. So do the couple on the next table.
[Yes yes, I was listening in to other conversations too. I still don't believe she's pregnant and if she is, it not being his is definitely a lie.]
12:30 GO GRANNY! She just slapped the boyfriend and told him to leave!
[This noise was epic. A real good comedy thwack!]
12:31 I love granny. I need her to see I'm supportive as that'll give me the lead-in to ask about auntie Karen.
12:34 Granny threw money at boyfriend and said "it's all I have! Just take it and go!" It's 50s and 20s. I've got my eye on a 50 under the table.
12:35 Damn it! Bernice has picked up all the money!
12:36 Bernice has slammed the money on the bar and gone to the toilet. Boyfriend is holding his cheek. Granny is being hugged by staff.
12:38 "I think you should leave!" say staff to boyfriend. "Not without my girl!" he replies. "GET OUT BEFORE I CALL THE GUARDS!" yells granny.
12:41 Everyone is silent, apart from my table where my two colleagues are unfazed by the commotion.
12:42 Granny just smiled at me. I smiled back. Should I ask about Karen now?
12:44 Erm. Bernice just walked past the window! Everyone bar granny and boyfriend saw her.
[We all looked at each other as if to ask who was going to tell them. Thankfully the staff did!]
12:45 Granny has just been told the toilet has two exits. She's livid and leaving!
12:45 Noooooooo! Boyfriend is going too!
12:46 Hahahaha! Everyone, me included, is now pressed up against the window. Granny is shouting after Bernice.
12:46 Boyfriend has left his phone!
12:47 Boyfriend has come back in for his phone! Goddamnit!
12:48 Looks like the show's over folks. I can't leave my table sadly. That was THE best working lunch EVER!
So there you have it. My working lunch. It was awesome. In reality I do actually feel sorry for Granny and Bernice. Whether she's pregnant or not, the Polish guy is a filthy nonce and should be locked up. He's twenty-four years older than her.
And to make matters worse, I never found out what happened to Auntie Karen. Because I'm so nosy I've had to make up a story for her, otherwise I'd never sleep tonight.
So Karen met a Polish man who robbed her of all her money and a kidney. That'll do.