How not to soundproof your room!

So there you are in your bedsit, strumming away on a guitar you were given when you were fourteen, which you have now decided will earn you enough money to get a nice house. At the very least, it will get you a place where your kitchen is not in your bedroom-cum-lounge and the bathroom is your own sanctuary of quiet contemplation rather than something akin to Kings Cross Station on a Saturday night.

This means practising. And you are surrounded by neighbours who have no problem letting themselves in and shouting at you in Italian to shut the fuck up.

So the next morning, before the major supermarkets open, you trawl through the metal crates by the loading bay for egg boxes to stick to your wall. A week later, your bedsit looks like a very sophisticated set from Doctor Who. Ten minutes into strumming Mull of Kintyre, Mrs Avola is standing in front of you, threatening to shut you up with a twelve-day-old Panettone.

What could be wrong? You have more egg boxes than a Bernard Matthews goods-inwards department. How the hell did she hear you?

Well, the egg boxes are the problem. It is a common myth that egg boxes soundproof a room. You saw it in a film or read it on a website. Either way, it is wrong.

Egg boxes do two things to a room. They deaden the sound and make it look ridiculous. From the inside, you are hearing the lack of echo and thinking nobody outside can hear you. They can.

The only real way of soundproofing a room is masonry. You do not need a room within a room, which people often imagine because they see two doors on studios. You just need thicker walls. Real walls, not walls made thicker by egg boxes or foam sheets.

If you cannot afford or do not have the knowledge to put up another brick wall, you could use a few layers of plasterboard. Put them on a frame and fill the gap with the densest insulation material you can find. Sand works well. Rubble works better. You know what works best? Bricks. Can you see where this is going?

If you are soundproofing a room, do it properly. Here are some things to avoid.

Egg Boxes
You saw it in a film and thought it worked. You are forgiven. Take it all down. In some cases, egg boxes can actually enhance the sound, doing the exact opposite of what you want. On a scale of one to shouty, they are about Vanessa Feltz.

Carpet
Give it a while and it will stink. "But my lounge shag does not smell!" you bellow. Of course it does not. You vacuum it once a week. Are you going to vacuum the walls of your studio? No. You are going to buy a staple gun from B&Q, try to fix carpet to your walls with three staples in the same place, and wonder why your mother is telling you to keep it down. Carpet deadens sound inside the room. It is great for that. As soundproofing, it is shit.

Paint
Some people will tell you that dark paint makes sound waves bounce back. No. It is the wall the paint is on that does that. Remember what I said about masonry? There you go.

Mattresses
These actually work, like masonry. But you need no gaps between the wall and the mattress, and no gaps between each mattress. Good luck doing the door. Remember how the carpet started to smell? The mattress will stink quicker, and unless you install air conditioning, it is going to get hot.

Hay Bales
These were the choice of any well-respected surgeon in the 1700s. For a 16 by 16 foot room, you will need 424 bales. This will set you back about 4,224 euros, not including plastic wrapping and delivery. And it will turn your 16 foot room into a 10 foot room. Have fun with the ceiling.

Rubber or Neoprene Flooring
Bouncy. Enough said.

Wood
Wood vibrates and transfers sound. It does it well. This is why studios are built of bricks.

So now you know what to avoid. The best advice I can give is to save up and use a professional. If they offer you egg boxes, send them to B&Q. And B&Q, if you are reading this, I accept cheques and cash.