It's not you, it's me... and them!

"So how can we make the same amount of money from The Hobbit as we did from Lord of the Rings?"

"Hmm, how about we insist people buy action figures as they buy a cinema ticket?"

"No, idiot. That will not work."

"We could film in sixteen different formats and put out a press release about how true fans will see every version?"

"I like it. Give me more."

"We make sure one of those formats is 3D."

There is a silence as minions desperately try to come up with ways to fleece the public. Outside the boardroom, bugs crawl out of the woodwork towards an ever increasing pile of mites and detritus. They meet and clamber on top of each other to form the body of a man. A raven lands on his shoulder. He breaks the ominous silence as he enters the boardroom, the hissing and clicking of insects announcing his arrival.

"Gentlemen," he says from underneath his blacker-than-night hood, "we turn it into a trilogy and we add crap that was not in the book."

A collective gasp. Whispers about whether this could actually work.

"I love it. Peter, you have done it again."

And so was born yet another pathetic but successful attempt by Hollywood to grab the last cent from the pockets of the cinema-going public.

Yes, I am not a fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Not because it was a bad story. It was a great story. But it was over-produced, over-hyped crap. This is not about LotR though. This is about the industry.

Over the last few years I have slowly lost respect for the Academy. Awarding Jackson the Oscar for LotR was the icing on the cake that broke the camel's back. He is a lazy director with no integrity. Like most of them, he had one good film and suddenly thought he was a movie god. The Hobbit proves just how wrong the Academy was.

Any director worthy of the job should be saying no to a film being released with mistakes. Not just continuity errors, but factual errors. As the main character drives down the road having saved the world in 1972, he turns the radio up to hear a song that was not released until 1981. Why would you do this? In what world does a director say "It is okay because Joe Public will not notice"? Well, it is this world, and it happens all the time.

Let us take three directors and some of their biggest movies.

Peter Jackson - Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
- Smoke going into chimneys rather than out
- Blinking eyes from a paralysed character
- Swords swapping from left to right
- Stage lights being reflected

James Cameron - Titanic
- Jack talks about fishing on a lake that did not exist until five years after his death
- A map with present day borders
- Boom mic in view

Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain
- Music from the late 80s playing during a scene set in the mid 70s
- Bottles breaking and repairing themselves in the same scene
- Eyes changing colour as a character ages, from blue to brown

Jackson and Cameron won Best Director. Lee won Best Achievement in Directing. How? How did they manage that with these three piles of shit? Okay, they were not that bad. But they are still sorry excuses for big budget productions.

I can already hear the objections. "But Brokeback Mountain was important! It had a gay element!" Yes, it is great that a film with a gay storyline got made given how things were twenty years ago. But I could spend five minutes online and find gay porn with better production values and fewer errors than Brokeback Mountain.

How many continuity errors are there in Monsters (2010), directed by Gareth Edwards? Three. And the budget? Approximately $8,500. How many Oscars did the Academy give Edwards? None. Not one nomination. BAFTA gave him a nomination but no award. The budget for Apocalypse Now was $31.5 million and it has the most continuity errors of any film ever made. It won two Oscars, which were deserved for cinematography and music. But seriously, what is with the hard-on people have for Marlon Brando? He was not actually that good.

Directors and actors are not the only ones to blame. The producers often have a lot to answer for. But no matter how bad a production is, people will flock like sheep to see something because some Hollywood hunk is in it or it is part of a trilogy.

The people who give Ron Perlman work, or tell you that Twilight is the greatest film series ever, are ruining the industry. By going to see the dross they put out, you are supporting them. Sadly, so am I. But there is little we can do about it without going on strike and never visiting the cinema again. I am not doing that. Are you?

Spiderman, Superman, Batman and The Hulk. It could be the opening theme for Supergran. Instead it is the "we are doing it again but better" version of previously released movies. And who says they are doing it better? Hollywood. Their opinion should be ignored.

Which washing powder do you buy? Do you pick up the German Glanzvoll Hell because it literally marches the shit out of your undercrackers? No. You buy Surf or Ariel because the advert told you it was the best.

The film industry is the same. Look at a trailer. Nine times out of ten, you will see snippets of what "industry professionals" have said. "Cruise is marvellous!" or "The best film to come out of Cameron since his last one." Empire, Film and most other movie magazines, who make their money from glossy adverts on every other page, charge you a fortune to tell you how awesome every film is. They should try to employ at least one member of staff with some integrity.

Nothing I have said here will have any impact. You will still go and pay to see the next rehashing of Batman. In twenty years, you will line the pockets of useless producers as you sit and drool over Twilight: Renesmee Experiments in College, Albus Potter and the Crack Whore, Lord of the Rings: Peter Needs a Home in Barcelona and of course Batman: No, This Time It Is the Real Real Beginning.

Like sheep, you will flock to see badly acted trash. And you know what? It will not bother me in the slightest. Good for you. You are a better person than me for being able to switch off and enjoy it for what it is. The magazines will still be printing crap and telling you how wonderful these films are. Hollywood will keep telling you that spending millions on something with so many errors was money well spent. And worst of all for you, I will still be moaning about it.

Happy New Year, fuckers. Here is to 2013.

As promised, the top twenty films with the most continuity errors:

1. Apocalypse Now (395)
2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (337)
3. The Wizard of Oz (309)
4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (300)
5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (293)
6. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (270)
7. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (264)
8. Titanic (259)
9. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (259)
10. Scary Movie 3 (255)
11. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (246)
12. Beauty and the Beast (245)
13. Jaws (243)
14. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (225)
15. Troy (221)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (219)
17. The Care Bears Movie (206)
18. The Goonies (205)
19. Star Wars: Episode VI - The Return of the Jedi (204)
20. The Big Sleep (204)